Missing in action

My urge to blog just got up and left. Without so much as a toodle-loo on its way out.

It’s not that I haven’t had anything to say, the12 draft posts in my WordPress dashboard will attest to that. I just cannot seem to finish them. It’s a combination of having no real inspiration, being dog-tired all the time and enduring suffocatingly boring (and very busy) days at work. All these factors are seemingly killing my writing dreams.

A friend of mine so cleverly pointed out that my creative juices are being smothered by my lack of enthusiasm for work at the moment. I have written over three hundred pages in a business analysis exercise I am doing for a client… Maybe I am just all written out!

All I want to do as soon as the kids have gone to bed at night is crawl under my duvet and sleep. My eyes are so tired from staring at my laptop screen all day, my mind is numb, and my body is plagued with a constant annoying and debilitating back ache.

I want to shout “snap out of it man!” at myself. In the car, preferably, at a deafening volume. The people in traffic around me would look away nervously. And screech away as soon as the lights change.

But life does go on, doesn’t it.

I’m sure I will get back on the proverbial horse at some point.

Nine Years …

The Garden – RUSH (Clockwork Angels)

In this one of many possible worlds, all for the best, or some bizarre test?
It is what it is – and whatever
Time is still the infinite jest

The arrow files when you dream, the hours tick away – the cells tick away
The Watchmaker keeps to his schemes
The hours tick away – they tick away

The measure of a life is a measure of love and respect
So hard to earn, so easily burned
In the fullness of time
A garden to nurture and protect

In the rise and the set of the sun
‘Til the stars go spinning – spinning ’round the night
It is what it is – and forever
Each moment a memory in flight
The arrow flies while you breathe, the hours tick away – the cells tick away
The Watchmaker has time up his sleeve
The hours tick away – they tick away

The treasure of a life is a measure of love and respect
The way you live, the gifts that you give
In the fullness of time
It’s the only return that you expect

The future disappears into memory
With only a moment between
Forever dwells in that moment
Hope is what remains to be seen

[Lee, Lifeson, Peart]

I have been listening to a lot of RUSH lately. It is one of the many gems that Gary introduced me to during our early days almost twelve years ago. It reminds me of a time of stolen glances, secret lunches and flirting via SMS and email. It seems like a lifetime ago, yet the memories are as clear as if it were yesterday. It also reminds me that our mutual love of music is what bound us in those early days, how we would waste away hours listening to CDs or watching live concerts on DVD.

As a girl, I did not day-dream of a fairy tale wedding: I’m just not wired that way. I probably fit more into the tomboy category, having spent most of my life in jeans rather than dresses, being boys’ “best friend” rather than “girl-friend” and being more in love with books and rock music than I was with hair and makeup. I was not one of those girls who sat around day dreaming about walking down the aisle in a meringue dress with rose petals strewn at my feet, on my way to marry my Prince Charming. I was even told by more than one person at my own wedding that they were fully expecting to see me walk down that aisle in jeans and a t-shirt.

But I did however wear a pretty white dress, and there were indeed rose petals strewn at my feet. And I did marry my Prince Charming (in full hair and make-up. Mine, not his!).

Thinking back over the last nine years that we have been married, our relationship has never felt like hard work. Sure, there have been tough times, but we have always stayed best friends, and we have always remained in love with each other. We think the same way, we are always on the same page and, in general, it is always easy.

We went to a 60^th birthday celebration a little while ago, and the overall theme of the host’s speech really resonated with me. He spoke of how the worth of one’s life is measured by the love and respect both from and to the people that surrounds them. And judging from the speeches that his friends and children made, there was love and respect in great supply all round. Which is perhaps why The Garden by RUSH is my favourite song at the moment. To quote a line from the CD booklet: “I have come to realize that the gathering of love and respect – from others and for myself – has been the real quest of my life. “Now we must tend our garden”"

So what does all of this have to do with our ninth wedding anniversary you may be wondering? Well, when I think of Gary, I think of someone who is my friend, lover and soul-mate, but I also think of someone who is loved and respected by everyone around him. He cultivates good relationships with everyone: family, friends and work colleagues. If his life were to be measured by the love and respect that surrounds him, it would be deemed a very rich life indeed.

And it is my absolute privilege that he chose me to love.

I love you Gary, and I always will. Happy anniversary my love, I cannot think of anyone else I would rather wile away my time with. . . May we forever tend to and nurture our garden.

{Toadbury Hall, 27 February 2004}

The place with the interesting things!

Spending the December holidays in Joey’s this year, meant we had to find things to do to keep our offspring busy (and stop us from losing our sanity and patience dealing with long faces and whining!)

So one sunny morning, we headed to New Town to check out Sci-Bono. I have overheard many moms raving about how cool it is, and have been told umpteen stories about fun birthday parties that have been attended there.

We arrived early, and pretty much had the place to ourselves for a while. To start off, Alex and Caris both had a go at kicking soccer balls into nets, and shooting balls at metal cut-out soccer players. We then moved through the exhibition, stopping at things that caught our interest. Alex absolutely loved the construction site simulation, and spent quite a while placing play bricks on a conveyor belt while donning his hard hat.

Alex’s favourite thing was a table that illustrated (if I remember correctly) a black hole, and he watched the spinning ball being sucked down into its vortex over and over again.

We spent a good few hours perusing the exhibits, only cutting our visit short because Caris was starting to get super grumpy as the time stretched further and further past nap time. In fairness, the centre is aimed at kids a little older than my two, but both of them seemed to be having a ball.

Alex keeps asking me “When are we going back to that place with the interesting things?”

Well worth a visit! (and next time I will take a proper camera and not just a Blackberry!)

Photo Friday … Zooby dooby doo

{Another visit to the Johannesburg zoo during the December holidays}

 

Meet you on the other side…

At school, there are a couple of pathways that lead from the parking lot to the classroom. When we arrive, I always ask Alex which way he would like to go; past the fish-pond, under the mulberry trees etc. His reply is inevitably “I’ll meet you on the other side!” (Which means: he goes down a different pathway to me and then meets me on the other side.)

It is a little game that we have been playing since the beginning of pre-school, a little reflection of his growing independence, and sometimes, I run ahead, and say “BOO!” when he strolls out of his chosen route. He screams with delight and then runs ahead to the pre-school block reception. During mulberry season, he dawdles along the pathway, squashing purples berries while he walks. On rainy days, he thunders through the puddles, splashing water all over the place. And in winter he runs as fast as he can, trying to stay warm, blowing little puffs of steam from his mouth into the icy morning air. (Our afternoon ritual is similar, but then we go past the fish-pond, so that he can see “daddy fish” – which happens to be the biggest koi fish in the pond.)

When we arrive in the school building, he runs to find his locker, and usually looks to see if his friend Vicky’s bag is in her locker yet. This morning, his Greek teacher was waiting, and he sidled up to her for a hug, saying “Kalimera Kyria Sula” shyly. (…with apologies to any Greek readers, I have no idea how to spell that!) My heart just swelled with pride. He is growing up far too quickly, and I find myself missing the days when he was a baby. Before long, I imagine I will be stopping outside the school gate, with a sulky teenager in the back seat, who would probably rather die than have me walk him to his class room. To add to my melancholy, I went into the playschool on the way out, to hand in Caris’ application for next year. Memories of Alex’s first day at playschool hit me like a hammer; holding his tiny hand, and sitting on the floor with him on my lap for his first group ring. And how proud I was when he got off my lap all by himself to go and sit with the others.

Alex, my sweet baby boy, I hope you will want to “meet me on the other side” always…

Home Front

Kristin Hannah is fast becoming one of my favourite authors. I bought “Firefly lane” for my book club a while ago, and absolutely loved it. Most of the girls in my book-club have read it too, and it has touched each one of us in a different, yet special way. I have just finished reading “Home Front”. I had a lump in my throat by the end of the first chapter, and had tears in my eyes for most of the novel.

The story follows the life of Jolene Zarkades’, who is a mother of two young girls (aged 12 and 4) and a helicopter pilot working for the US military. After growing up in an abusive home, her parents (who were alcoholics and drug addicts) are killed in a car accident when she is 17 years old. She meets the man she is going to marry, some years later in the future, in a lawyer’s office, while pleading to not be sent into foster care as she was soon to be 18. At which point, she joined the military as she had nowhere else to go.

She is painted as a tough, strong, always positive woman, who is a hands-on mother to her girls, despite having had a shocking upbringing, and despite having a demanding career in the military. And then two things happen that alter the path of her life, changing who she is forever. Her husband, who had been her best friend, lover and confidant through thick and thin, tells her that he is not in love with her anymore, only moments before she receives a call from her best friend and colleague to say that they are being deployed to Iraq for one year. In less than two months, she would be in the middle of a war-zone; without the love and support of the only man she has ever loved.

Jolene has to come terms with leaving her family, her young children who need their mom and a marriage that is rapidly falling apart, to fulfil her commitment to her country. The portrayal of the emotions felt by each character in the book is classic Kristin Hannah. She has this way of making the characters feel like they are your best friends and your heart breaks for each of them. What got me the most was how Jolene’s two daughters dealt with the news of her deployment. The sulkiness and anger from pre-teen Betsy and the irrational emotional outbreaks from four-year-old Lulu broke my heart. I could imagine Alex, who is the same age as Lulu, behaving in a similar way, crying and pleading for me not to leave, promising to be good, tidy up his toys and eat all his food if I stay. Jolene expresses her fears that her children will forget her if something happens to her. She writes letters to her husband and girls in the event that she does not return from the war, which made my blood run cold. I must admit, this is something I think about often, which is partly why this blog exists, so that my children have a view into who I am if I am not around…

The story, which grabbed my attention from the first chapter and remained gripping, is filled with tragedy and sadness. It made me cry more than a few times, but is ultimately about forgiveness, hope, and the tenacity of real love.

I have just started “Night Road” which is proving to be just as un-put-down-able as her other novels.

The magic of Christmas

To say that there was some excitement in our house for Christmas this year would be an understatement. Our Christmas tree was already up by mid-November, if that says anything (at which point I was being nagged on a daily basis to put it up, by my dear boy child). Alex only really got  the whole Christmas thing the year before, so this Christmas just past he knew what to expect, and was literally bouncing off the walls with anticipation. Caris, being only 19 months at Christmas time didn’t really get it, but she was very, very impressed by the Christmas tree, and kept pointing, saying “lights” and squealing with delight!

A few days before Christmas, we took the kids to see the Garden of Lights (at Emperors Palace). Despite standing in the queue for almost an hour, it was well worth the wait, and we all enjoyed it thoroughly. Caris, bearing in mind her aforementioned love of Christmas lights, was in her element!

On Christmas eve, we put out milk and cookies for Santa, and put two very excited little monkeys to bed! We explained to Alex that he would know that Father Christmas had been, if their stockings were filled and waiting at the foot of their beds in the morning. (Needless to say, Alex came running into our bedroom just after six AM screaming “Farmer Christmas came! My stocking is full of toys, and Caris’s too! Come look!”)

And when we came downstairs, his eyes nearly popped out of his head when he saw all the presents under the tree!

Christmas day was spent opening presents, swimming, laughing, opening more presents, and celebrating over lunch with our extended family. (Ok, so I spent most of it cooking, cleaning up, serving lunch, making desert, cleaning up, cooking, did I mention cleaning up? But all for a good cause I guess!)

It certainly is the very best time of the year…

“WOW! a new bicycle!!! ”